And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
