I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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