Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
