I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
