im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
