i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
