textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
