I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
