I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Randomize
