hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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