I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
