Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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