I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Randomize
