Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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