my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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