getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
