Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
