I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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