Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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