Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
