That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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