You're so nebulous sometimes
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
