my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
