11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
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"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
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So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
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