i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
