Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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