Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
