sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
