So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Randomize
