Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
please don't ironically join a cult
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