My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Randomize
