omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
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