Will you blow on my dice?
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Randomize
