there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
