Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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