Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Randomize
