If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
