awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
