the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Randomize
