You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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