Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
