woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
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