wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
