if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
