I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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