i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
