fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
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