I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
