that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
