you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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