I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
