You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
