come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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