Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Randomize
