The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
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