he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
