So drunk its hurt
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
