I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
